I Can't Believe My...

Amid all the hustle and bustle of doctors appointments, therapy and other things related to Michael there is a precious 5 year old, Mary Emma, who lives in our house. Sometimes children can teach us if we open our eyes, our minds and our hearts. We discovered late last week that Mary Emma had her first loose tooth. As the weekend progressed she was very annoyed by this loose tooth and last night as we put her brother to bed she read him a story. When she finished with the story she told her Daddy that she wanted him to pull her tooth.

We wiggled and jiggled and finally he was able to pull it. Of course she was scared initially but soon that faded into excitement about...the tooth fairy! She was anxious to get to bed to see what the tooth fairy might bring. Her Uncle Keith assured her the going rate was $20, but we let her know that wouldn't be the case at our house. :-) As I walked up the stairs this morning to slip the 5 $1 bills under her pillow I wondered what her reaction would be. I woke her up and she said, "Mommy, my tooth is still there and nothing else." Poor kid probably woke up 20 times last night to check. I urged her to check again. She got up on her knees, lifted the pillow and put her hands up to her face and said, "I can't believe my eyes." She couldn't believe the money was there. She was sure it wouldn't be. She quickly ran downstairs to show her Daddy before he left for work.

If you have children you know that if you don't want to be alone then you go to the bathroom! :-) I went to the bathroom and as usual I heard the pitter patter of feet heading that way. She sat down on the step stool with a pensive look as she held the money tightly in her hands.  I asked her what she was thinking about and this is what she said. "Mommy, I've been thinking about this money the tooth fairy brought me. I want to give it to children who don't have enough money. Can we do that?" I couldn't believe my ears. My sweet girl was taking all the money she had been given, not just some and giving it away. Wow!

What if we all had a servant heart like this. I needed to hear this lesson from my child. I needed the reminder that giving is important. Ephesians 1:18 is part of a prayer of thanksgiving. Open the Eyes of My Heart is a song that asks God to open the eyes of our hearts so we can see Him. Sometimes we see Him through others and through the work of the Holy Spirit. Click the link and be blessed by an autistic child who is also blind sing this song. The eyes of your heart will be open for sure! I would like to share the prayer printed in my NIV Worship Bible by Marantha!.

We praise You, glorious Father, for Your great power and wisdom. We, Your church--this immense collection of frail humanity--we are the body of Christ on earth. The Spirit that raised Jesus Christ from the dead now inhabits each of us with that same resurrection power. I am a part of Your living body, Lord Jesus. Fill me afresh with Your Spirit and open my eyes of faith so that I might understand not just in theory, but in day-to-day living, what it means to be a part of Your body. Teach me to think Your thoughts, to see with Your eyes, to hear with Your ears--to live and move and have my very existence in You )Acts 17:28; Ro 12:5; 1 Co 2:16)

Yesterday we celebrated Palm Sunday. As Jesus entered the city of Jerusalem his entry was triumphant. Today is Holy Monday. Jesus cleanses the temple of all the people treating it as a marketplace. He was unhappy that His Father's house was being treated in this way. The temple (church) is meant to be a place where sinners go to pray, worship and ask for forgiveness. Today let's focus on Him. Let's ask for child like faith and remember that He is who He says He is...our King.
 Let us say "I Can't Believe My Heart!"

The little things...

Last night when I got home from church my husband told me that our male dog, Bear, was tied out and waiting for me to put him up. Reluctantly I went out there to put him up. The moment I approached him he jumped up softly (as softly as a 90+ pound dog can) and looked up at me with his big eyes, droopy ears and slobbery face as if he hadn't seen me in days. My heart melted and I hugged him and held him. That unconditional love from him and the pretty girl inside the fence barking out of jealously can melt away any cares that preceded my visit. What if us humans could be as consistently loving and forgiving as these precious canines? This world would certainly be a better place. My point is to never underestimate the little things...you never know how big a little thing can be to someone else.

As I put our 5 year old to bed last night we worked yet again on tying her shoes. She has been trying for some time now and we haven't been able to master it. I got the book Red Lace, Yellow Lace a couple of weeks ago and we have worked with it some. Last night she was determined and after a while she was able to do it herself with only prompting from me. I didn't have to touch a thing. This was a huge step for her. She reached over and gave me a big hug and said, "Oh mommy...thank you so much for teaching me to do this." It's the little things...

About 2:30 last night I was hit in the face with a fluffy green dinosaur. There was a 2 year old standing there looking at me with sleepy eyes. He felt like he might be a little warm, but not really a fever. I got up and gave him medicine just in case and some tea. It was clear he wasn't going to sleep anytime soon so we retreated to the recliner in the living room. A couple of hours later I could tell he was getting sleepy so I told him several times we were turning off the TV and going night night. The moment I turned off the TV he climbed up on my shoulder and put his head down for a while. It's the little things... After he laid there a while he turned around and picked up my left hand and placed it ever so gently on his tummy and he reached for my right hand so we could hold hands. As I sat there I thought to myself...what a blessing to have this sweet little man to take care of. There were days several years ago when I honestly thought I'd never have a baby to hold. It's the little things...

At school Michael has speech therapy on Mondays and developmental therapy on Thursdays. His developmental therapist is just returning from maternity leave and boy is she hitting the ground running. First of all, teachers aren't always welcoming of having therapists in their room. We are blessed because Michael's teachers love the therapists coming and they use it as an opportunity to learn more about how to help the little man be the best kid he can be. His therapist called me on her way to his school and talked for almost 45 minutes about him. She shared ideas with me, offered suggestions and just listened. She certainly didn't have to spend her drive on the phone with me, but she did. I had a rough morning with the little man. He went to get a doughnut like he does every morning and my 5 year old assistant didn't tell me they ate the last ones yesterday. Well, his world fell apart because not having the doughnut changed our morning routine. After talking with the therapist I felt a sense of calm and felt like I had some ideas for the future. It's the little things...

Sometimes as a society, myself included, we feel like we have to do big things for people or it is insignificant. Today as we go thru the day let's try to do some little things for others. It might be as simple as a text to say 'thinking about you', an email, a hug, a candy bar, or an anonymous good deed. You might plant a seed that you won't know the outcome, but you have planted the seed. Doing things for others isn't about the thank you. It isn't about seeing the outcome. It's about doing it from the goodness of your heart and out of Christian love.  We all get by with a little help from our friends... Will you pray with me?

God we come to you to ask you to help us find the little things in our lives that we often overlook. We ask you to help us offer you praise for these little things. Help us look for opportunities to do little things for others. Thank you for this day and thank you for the little things. Amen.

Freely Forgiven

In Sunday School this past Sunday we read Psalm 51 and it reminded me that we all need a reminder about God's forgiveness. The ground at the foot of the cross is level. One person is not higher than another. If you are kneeling at the foot of the cross wholeheartedly asking God for forgiveness YOU are freely forgiven. Sometimes that is a hard pill for us to swallow. Take a minute and read Psalm 51. So many times in our lives we want to paint the picture prettier than it is. The fact is we are all sinners. One thing about the Bible is that no one is telling the stories through rose colored glasses. David had an affair with Bathsheba and this Psalm expresses true repentance of a sinner.

Our God is a God full of grace and mercy. We are loved by Him and we are His children. We are called to shout his name and sing Hosanna in the highest! Is there something you are ashamed of? We all have things that we'd rather not remember or talk about. Think about this...if your life movie (every second of it) were playing on the big screen at the movies would you want God there to watch it with you? Guess what...he has ALREADY seen it and He LOVES you anyway. There is no coincidence that the words forgive and forgiveness are mentioned so many times in the Bible. It is important to seek forgiveness and to forgive. We can ask for forgiveness all day, but we can't experience the blessings of forgiveness until we forgive ourselves. Take time today to reconcile with yourself for things you have already asked for forgiveness for. He has forgiven you and He is waiting for you to sing Hosanna.

You may be so blessed that you read this and you don't have a thing to fall to your knees for. Then, fall to your knees and praise Him. If you are sitting there reading this and you have something tugging at your heart...I do...fall to your knees and commune with God. Tell him how you feel ask him to help you forgive yourself. You can't do it alone; you can only do it when you seek Him first. If you haven't reconciled with someone and feel like you need to start there you can, but seek Him first so you will be going in the right mindset. I'm writing two letters to two people who I feel like I just need to ask for forgiveness. Every time I hear the word forgiveness these two people come to mind and doing this will give my soul peace.

A wonderful song-- 10,000 Reasons reminds us that the Sun has come up today...it is a new day dawning...let's start on our knees so we can still be singing when the evening comes. Will you pray with me?

Father, we come to you to worship your Holy Name and ask you to bless our soul. We want to sing Hosanna like we have never sang before. Help us to remember that whatever happened in the past is just that..the past. Help us to know that whatever lies ahead we can face when we seek You first. Father, help us to become one with you so that we can still be singing when the evening comes. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. AMEN and AMEN.

The Calm in My Storm

One of my favorite praise songs is Praise You in This Storm. Life is full of both quiet and calm days and it is also full of storms. Yesterday was an overwhelming whirlwind of storms for me as a mommy. As I recover looking back I go to Matthew 8: 23-27 where Jesus calms the storm. I want to share with you about my day yesterday.

 

I am thankful for a job that lets me attend some of Michael’s therapy appointments at school. Yesterday I attended Michael’s speech therapy and it was such a blessing to be in the other room and watch Michael’s excitement as his therapist entered the room. He was so excited and even attempted her name. I also watched through the window as his teachers kept redirecting him to use his right hand to eat. It has only been out of the cast two weeks. Teaching him to use it more is much easier said than done. While it was a blessing to watch it also tugged at my heart that he had so much trouble using that hand and I watched the other kids just eating away. If you are a mom, dad or parent figure in any child’s life you know that feeling of wanting to take away all the adversity in that little person’s life. That was my day all day yesterday.

As Michael entered the room for his therapy session he was surprised to see his mommy, but it was clear that he knew this time was devoted to his beloved therapist. He engaged in many activities with her and it was great to see him attempting so many words. She was very happy with his improvement and said she sees improvement each week.  She then transitioned to a conversation surrounding her thoughts about Michael’s speech issues. She indicated that she didn’t think it was a normal speech delay, rather apraxia of speech. This wasn’t the first time I heard this, as our occupational therapist had mentioned it before he started speech therapy. Our OT also suggested we seek this particular therapist and I am so thankful she did. Whew…another thing on my list of things to learn about. She explained a little bit about it and talked about having to build up to the actual words instead of trying to use the actual word he can’t say. She reiterated that it isn’t baby talk even though sometimes it sounds like it. She even made and laminated some pages to use at home with interactive Velcro pictures to help Michael focus. It will be a long road to speech development. We need to get an iPad, but who can afford one when your paycheck goes to pay for 4 or 5 speech therapies a month, at least 2 OT sessions, and 2 developmental therapy sessions and other appointments with orthopedics. Among the whirling winds in this storm, the calm is that beautiful soul spending 45 minutes with my little boy every week. The calm in my storm is that she is always a phone call, text or email away. The calm in my storm is that she sends us home with things to work on and takes time to move us in the right direction. The calm in Michael’s storm is teachers who are PATIENT and a speech therapist that has instilled a love of learning how to imitate speech sounds. Thank you God for the calm in this very active and sometimes destructive storm.

Note to self…do not attend two therapy sessions in one day!!! J I picked Michael up at 4 and headed to Duke for his occupational therapy. This sweet angel we call his OT has been with us since he was 5 months old and she is a wealth of information. She diagnosed Michael with sensory processing disorder earlier in the month and it has connected a lot of dots for previous behaviors, but it is still such a difficult path we are on. Michael’s sensory processing difficulties aren’t in just one area. They span across several and none of them are textbook cases it seems. This is the age when some of the underlying behaviors really surface because the child is developing their own sense of things and issues seem to manifest easier. What some people refer to as a child having a tantrum for a SPD child is actually a child completely overwhelmed and not able to process the things going on around them. They enter fight or flight stage and sometimes they just can’t do anything but fuss. This is Michael at this time and the episodes are becoming more frequent. He has stopped staying in the nursery at church for some reason. Even if his favorite ‘big sister’ is in there he is still overwhelmed by all the commotion. So, in church we sit each Sunday with puzzles and hope for the best. At this stage it is have him in the service making some noise or stay at home. I choose to take him and offer myself to God and thank him for the blessings and ask him for strength for the week ahead. We have two children to love, one who often times gets the bad end of the deal, and a marriage to nurture. SPD and apraxia don’t go well together. Often times the fact that Michael can’t communicate leads to an episode because he gets so upset that we can’t understand him. She helps us know when it is time to start massaging his incisions to help reduce and break up any scar tissue. She tells me how long to wear his brace. She fits and makes splints out of a flat piece of moldable plastic. Sometimes I refer to her as our miracle worker. As we sat at the therapy table and he tried so hard to pick things up with his right index finger and thumb it was so hard to watch him struggle so much. Again, that feeling in the pit of my stomach and the reality that I can’t change it. All I can do is help him the best I can. The storm rages inside me…in my mind, in my heart, in my stomach. That moment that tears are forming and you are fighting them. The calm in this storm is that beautiful soul holding Michael’s left hand so he has to use his right hand. It is that person we call our OT who accepts nothing but the best from Michael. She won’t let him have an inch and God in this storm I praise you for sending her to us. We know she is a gift from you. Without her we wouldn’t have the progress we have and we wouldn’t have ever known about our speech therapist.

After we leave therapy I check in with our state case worker for the infant toddler program. She has been a calm in this storm since Michael was a few months old. She has held our hand, gave hugs, listened to our concerns, helped write goals that will challenge him, helped us get the therapy Michael needs and she even visited the little man at the hospital when he had his last surgery and brought him a book. Currently she is trying to help us get his OT at Lenox Baker into the state program. Each therapy session is almost $600 for 45 minutes and he needs weekly sessions. With a $1200 OT bill each month there is no way we can swing $2400 must less $3000 for months with 5 weeks! She doesn’t have to spend all this time helping us, but she does. She could just do the minimum that she is required to do…but she doesn’t. She is the calm in our storm. Thank you God for this special person who is doing the work she heard you call her to do.

As we ride home and Michael screams the whole way home because he saw the playground at Chick Fil A because I didn’t communicate beforehand that we weren’t going to play…I pick up the phone and call my sister and give her the latest update on speech that I had given my mom earlier in the day. She listens and asks questions. Meanwhile Michael is screaming in the background. She doesn’t say, “do something for him”. She understands that at this point I can’t do anything else. You see, without our family and close friends this storm might just take over us…especially me. I’m weak. I’m weary. Knowing I can call my family and close friends and have support and not judgment is probably one of the things that calms the storm the most. Thank you God for family and friends who know the battles we are up against. Thank you God for the friends and family who try to educate themselves.

So, for the first morning in months Michael didn’t scream when we went to the car instead of the van. For the first morning in a while he didn’t cry when I left him at school. Thanks to our OT I prepped him continuously before we left the house that we were riding the car. The whole way to school I told him he was going to school and that I was picking him up. Is it a coincidence? Maybe. Maybe, just maybe, I did something right this morning…something that works for Michael. We can only hope. Matthew 8: 23-27 reminds us that we should not be afraid. It reminds us that Jesus is the calm in the storm of our life. I write this blog not to tell you that I’m a perfect Christian or I have it all right. I write this to tell you I am an imperfect Christian who often times doesn’t get it right. I write this to tell you that I live in fear and I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. I write this blog to tell you that with all of this there is one thing I know. Jesus is my Savior and he is the answer. I want to share the prayer written in my NIV Worship Bible by Marantha for this passage.

Lord, if You are able to calm the storm at sea, surely You can calm the storms in my life. I find myself day by day in the middle of the swirling, raging storms of this world—the snarled traffic, the incessant noise, the political unrest, the wars, the fear and the violence. But Lord, I confess that there are other storms—storms inside of me, storms of my own making. I worry and allow myself to succumb to stress instead of trusting You. I get caught up in little spats and feuds with loved ones when You’ve called me to be a peacemaker. I now see so clearly what little faith I really have. Forgive me, Lord. Come and speak to the storms within and without. Come and be my peace (Isaiah 26: 3, 12)

Lord I lift my hands to praise you…through my tears that you hold in your hand…through the fear…you hear my cry…thank you for the reminder that my help comes from You. You might not calm the storm, but through the rain you are there...My strength is almost gone but I can carry on because you carry me...As we face this day let us seek you as the calm in our storm...Thank you God for your mercy...Blessed be the name of the Lord...and ALL God’s people said AMEN!

Here I am...Lord!

Matthew 13 is the parable of the sower. This can be a metaphor for our spiritual walk. This scripture is a favorite, but not because it gives me the warm and fuzzies. Instead it serves as a reality check. You see when it comes to being patient and waiting for things to grow "roots" (including myself" I fall short. I want things to happen and happen now. Then I wonder why things aren't long-lasting. This passage reminds me that having a good root system is important and that I consistently fall short. My appreciation for this passage was a result of my Emmaus Walk several years ago. At that time most people would have thought all was good, but it was "all good" on the surface. My roots were not growing in fertile soil. I was the soil on top of the rocks. I would sit in church and hear the message, but not "feel" it. It had nothing to do with the pastor and everything to do with my heart and my spiritual root system. As a result of my time away from the real world during my Emmaus weekend I learned many things (mostly about myself). As this scripture was read during a talk I literally felt a knot in my stomach. I was convicted there in my chair. My roots were trying to grow in soil that was shallow. My spiritual plants were being scorched by the son and withering. The thorns of life were choking me.

That weekend I re-dedicated my life to Christ and vowed to make Him number 1 in my life. My friends, this changed my life. I have a long way to go still. This walk with Christ is never finished while we are here on earth. From this scripture I know my life must be rooted in Him. My roots cannot exist and be fruitful without healthy does of prayer (LOTS of prayer), Bible study, participating in the life of the church, witnessing to others and giving of myself. These things make up my root system--years later my soil still has some rocks, but they are much smaller and not as prevalent. I am human and so are you. Join me today to recommit your life to Christ. Is your soil full of rocks? Start small (like a seed) and grown it (like a nicely rooted flower) and flourish. If you know me very well you know that my two grandmothers were very dear to me. Both had a strong faith. My MaMa Long had Bibles everywhere in her house, but there was one in particular that I asked for when she died. It is not pretty. In fact, it wasn't in a pretty location either. She kept it in her bathroom. It is well worn. In fact the cover is falling off. A well worn Bible is a well used Bible. Take a look at your Bible. Is it worn or does it need some pages turned? One way to remove rocks from our soil is studying the Bible. I can only hope that when I die one of my grandchildren will want my Bible and that they will be able to look at it and see that it was used often. I hope they have to tape it together because it is falling apart. I hope pages are worn and it is full of underlines, prayers and notes.

I've said it before, but I'm saying it again. You (I) have to make sure that we don't make this journey with Christ a solitary journey. On my Emmaus weekend I realized up until that point my walk was a solitary one---reach out to others, pray for yourself, ask people to pray for you, pray for others and most of all love not only others but yourself. A friend of mine that has laughed with me, cried with me and prayed over me gave me a Bible several years ago that isn't in print anymore. It has great quotes, notes and prayers in the margins. It also has letters along the way. It also had space for your to write notes and prayers. I want to share with you the prayer it has for Matthew 13-1:23.

"Lord Jesus, I praise and thank You for choosing to plant Your Word in my life. I yearn to be fertile ground for Your truth. I long to bear good fruit for You. Remove the rocks, chase away the birds and rebuke the evil One who would hinder my growth. Lord, in Your mercy hear my prayer. May I listen and understand and live according to Your Word today, and in so doing bring a bountiful harvest to You, the Wise and Eternal Gardener."

Lord, let this be our prayer. Help us to work on our soil. Help us to seek You. Without fertile soil we cannot do the work You have called us to do. Let us free ourselves for joyful obedience.

Now...now is the time to worship. Offer yourself to Him. He hears us cry. If we dwell in dark and sin His hand will save. We just have to ask. He makes the stars of night. Have you heard Him calling in the night? Will you go? Sometimes it is simples as saying Here I am Lord.

Friend of mine, friend of mine, what do you see?

Do you remember the book Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do You See? That is one of the few books that Michael will let us read to him right now. He will actually sit still and let you read it to him multiple times. Yesterday God touched my heart through my son’s preschool class.  I walked into class and was immediately greeted by one of the afternoon teachers. She said with excitement, “Ms. K  made me promise to show you this. Come look.” Well, I was sure I was going to find a toy that was broken to pieces or a child with a mark from Michael hitting him. Instead what I found was a lesson in perception.

As she pointed at the wall, she told me that they used the handprints to make elephants. The thumb was the trunk and the other fingers were the legs. She smiled and said, “Look, Michael’s elephant is stampeding!” I looked up at the wall and there it was…a beautiful grey elephant running. It was beautiful. Michael’s teachers could choose to shy away from handprint activities or to try to make Michael’s look ‘better’, but they don’t. They love this little man and all his uniqueness. Instead of looking at the handprint and seeing something that needed touching up, they saw a beautiful elephant in motion. Folks, this is what life is all about. We choose to see things the way we want to see them. I am the world's worst about expecting the worst. Through Bible study, prayer and Christian fellowship I continue to work on that. We can let things get the best of us. We can be consumed with fear, guilt, anger, hostility and many other emotions. We can also choose to take lemons and make lemonade. Just as we can choose our reaction we can choose to look at things from a different perspective.

Ephesians 6 talks about putting on the armor of God. He does not leave us defenseless. Through prayer and allowing the Holy Spirit to equip us we can help ourselves look for the opportunity in situations…for the unexpected. I praise God each morning as I pull out of the parking lot to go to work and each evening as I pull out to go home that Michael is surrounded each day by such loving teachers. These teachers choose to look for opportunity. These teachers choose to look for the unexpected. These same teachers helped build the foundation that Mary Emma stands on today. They instilled a love of learning in her and a curiosity that will carry her far in life.  Ephesians 6:4 tells us to bring our children up in the training and instruction of the Lord. It is no coincidence that when our children are baptized that the church vows to help raise the child. In addition to this wonderful preschool we are blessed to have a church in which our children can grow with God. Both our children attend Sunday school and church, and Mary Emma does children's choir on Wednesdays. If you aren't in church or aren't taking your kids to church I invite you to start looking for a church that you can call home. Our walk with Christ is not meant to be a solitary journey, but one in community.

These same teachers who showed me the stampeding elephant inspire me to look at situations differently. Life isn’t easy and life can be hard. Life can throw curve balls at you that you never saw coming. Do you duck and let it pass you by or do you throw your hand up, catch the ball and do something with it? Michael’s challenges were certainly a curve ball for our family, but we have received abundant blessings and the elephants are one of them. So, as we go thru today let’s ask ourselves if there is more to see.

Friend of mine, friend of mine, what do you see?

We see stampeding elephants! That’s what we see!