Mercies in Disguise

I only post when I feel led to do so and honestly my spirituality has been on a seesaw over the past several months. If you live in my area and listen to 103.3 WAKG in the mornings you know who Brother Bob and Tabernacle Time is.  Brother Bob talked this morning about how we distance ourselves from God by putting  up walls to “protect” our hearts and our emotions. I know I am guilty of this and it was yet another divine message. I received my first message Friday night when both of the kids snuggled up and we started watching Disney’s Inside Out. We were up early Saturday finishing it. It had a profound impact on me. I was totally with Joy trying to get rid of Sadness and then at the end it was clear that they both belonged and had to work together. They could indeed co-exist. In fact, when they co-exist Fear, Anger and Disgust aren’t quite as active. So many times I feel bad for being sad. I feel like I should always be “happy.” Well, that just isn’t possible. Sometimes our sadness leads us to joy. Sometimes we have to experience sadness to appreciate joy.  The sermon on Sunday and Sunday school went hand in hand. Am I seeking Him. When I pull up in the church parking lot am I looking to see Him and grow in relationship with Him or am I there because that’s where I’m supposed to be. Is Jesus looking down wondering why I can’t see all the ways he is trying to talk to me? Am I allowing him to open my eyes and my heart so I can see Him and carry his light out into the world?

Most mornings in my house are spent trying not to be "that mom" who has to yell first thing in the morning. My husband leave at 6:10 and before he leaves he gets our daughter up and brings her downstairs. The rest of the morning rituals are left up to me. Unfortunately, the three of us who remain at home are not morning people. I try to get Mary Emma up to get dressed and she lays there like she can’t hear a word I’m saying . I go to get Michael up and the whole way to the bathroom he yells, “back to bed.” (Thanks Ted and Fred!) When it is time to go it is like herding wet cats through a mouse hole to get them out the door. So, needless to say many days by the time I get in the car or van I am already emotionally drained. We won’t even discuss the battle between riding the car and the van!!!

So, today on the way to school I was thinking about my son who is three and still in the two year old class. He was kept there for many reasons. He is comfortable there, he wasn’t potty trained when he turned three. He was developmentally a little behind and his speech was certainly delayed. Thank you, Apraxia of Speech . It is a comfortable place for our family too. Both of my children have been richly blessed by these teachers. I refer to his lead teachers as his security blanket. As I thought about how comfortable he is in the two year old class I started thinking about him moving up eventually and how we would make sure he had all he needed in the Pre-K class before going to Kindergarten. At that point it hit me….eventually our little man would have to leave the SAFE, COMPASSIONATE, CARING AND LOVING walls of this wonderful preschool. One day he wouldn’t have these individuals who had, in fact, known him since he was born to protect him. As my students say, I was in my feelings at that point. The tears flowed freely and as I looked in the rearview mirror I saw these two precious babies of ours and was sick at the thought of this sometimes cruel and dark world tainting their spirits. (It doesn’t help that one of my classes at school has been doing extensive research and projects on bullying and that alone will make you sick. The reality of bullying is not a pretty one.) So, as I dropped off Michael I had eyes filled with tears and his teachers being the angels they are were concerned and offered hugs. They asked if all was okay and all I could manage was that I was just having a moment and that I would message them later.

As I returned to the van a very special song was playing and it was a melody meant for my heart. Blessings by Laura Story was introduced to me several years ago by a good friend. It hits both of us at the most needed times. I was instantly reminded that these times that seem so tough might really be His mercies in disguise. When the darkness seems to win the pain reminds my heart that this is not my home. My healing comes through tears. Sometimes it takes these dark moments to feel him near. Just like in the movie sometimes the sadness helps us experience the joy more fully. Thank God for my family who lets me be me, for my mom and dad who constantly help with juggling the kids and still take time to love on me and support me. Thank God for a sister who listens to my struggles and supports me in ways I cannot express. Thank God for the rest of our family who supports and encourages us. Thank God for our church family and the love they pour on our family.

My friend, today you might be joyful or you might be feeling things that aren’t so joyful. In our walk with Christ we aren’t always on the mountaintop. Sometimes the valleys of life are what lead us to the mountaintop and there we can experience true joy. As you sit there today reading this own your feelings. Share them with someone close to you or you can share them with me. In this world we are almost trained to suppress our feelings and just keep moving. Do yourself a favor, take a moment to get in touch with yourself. In that moment you just might find where sadness meets joy. Our God hears you, He loves you and he desperately wants you to seek Him first. Jesus is our Superhero, our best friend.  Nothing in this world is our Superhero.  

Will you pray with me? Father, as this child of yours sits and reads this please help open our eyes and hearts so we can see you more fully. Give us the courage to address our feelings and fears so we can be freed for joyful obedience. Help us share those feelings with you and to come to you with our fears. We praise you for Your mercies in disguise. Grant us wisdome and the ability to hear your voice. Help us, Father to remember that in all things we should seek You first. Remind us that this earth is a temporary home and that through our relationship with you we will have everlasting life in our eternal home. Praises be to you God, the Father. Amen!

 

The Speech Journey...Hope, Patience and FAITH!

Romans 12:12--Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. This verse has become our family motto with regard to Michael's speech. Along with all the other obstacles our little man continues to hurdle over with mercy and grace he has something called Apraxia of Speech. If you are like me several months ago you probably have no idea what this is unless you have a child or friend with it. It isn't a developmental delay of speech in which a child progresses normally, albeit at a slower rate. This is a neurological condition in which the brain has trouble coordinating the muscles for speaking. It isn't a problem with muscles in the mouth, but the message they receive from the brain. Michael's case of apraxia is not severe, but it isn't mild either. At two years old he had maybe three of four consistent words.

Have you ever had a task ahead of you and you knew just how hard it was going to be and you dreaded it? You might have even quit and decided not to attempt it. Many kids with apraxia feel this way about speech. Speaking is actually a highly sophisticated thing to accomplish, but for many of us it seems to happen naturally. Kids with apraxia know it comes hard and every time they speak, especially words they haven't mastered yet, they have this feeling of jumping over the hurdle to get the word(s) out. The first time I heard of apraxia was when Michael was about 18 months old. Our occupational therapist, who has been with us since he was five months old, said she thought he might be apraxic but we couldn't know for sure until he had more attempts at speaking.

Michael started daycare the day he turned two and shortly after that we started speech therapy. This woman is amazing! Michael immediately fell in love with her and she began teaching our family and our daycare providers about ways to help Michael. We are so blessed the daycare providers are always willing to learn new ways to help the little man! The first thing she talked to us about was imitating. Michael knew nothing about imitating speech or other actions. He didn't pay attention to what others were doing. So, we began imitating him and playing silly games to try to trick him into imitating us. Hope...we had to have hope that this baby step would help. It seemed like something small, but it leads to things so much bigger. Imagine trying to stand on a piece of wood the size of your feet and then being asked to put that piece of wood on a post two inches by two inches and then being asked to stand on it. Imitating is the foundation to speech. I felt like such a failure as a parent. Why hadn't I realized he didn't imitate anything? Shouldn't I have known something was off when he would have any part of signing or looking at us when we did it? I had to have patience as many attempts failed and we would both get frustrated. I had to have patience as I took what I was learning at therapy home to my husband and daughter and try to get them on board. I had to have faith that it was going to work.

In the mean time, Michael's teachers had figured out that he was much more likely to attempt to speak when it was a class activity. There was no pressure when all the children were shouting the words. They took advantage of this and he started to say several words because of this. He started building a little confidence with attempting to speak. And, believe me when I tell you there was a celebration every time he spoke. It was music to everyone's ears. Our next stop in our speech journey was a communication book. AKA the five pound book Michael loves to carry and it's too heavy so he drops it every two feet! This book forced us to use shorter phrases and gave us more opportunities to say words and give Michael the opportunity to attempt them. It was a learning experience for all of us. At the time Michael didn't like reading books and he enjoyed looking through this so we went with it. It became our 'book time'. We had hope that this would be a segway to enjoying books. We had to have hope that he would start to imitate more. We had to have patience on the days we didn't have any luck. We had to have patience when we didn't see any results. We had to have patience as we had to let him lead us through the activities. We couldn't choose what we wanted to do, we had to let him make the move and we used that as an opportunity to say the words hoping he would attempt to repeat some of them. We had to have faith to endure this race. We had to have faith that if we didn't give up we would be able to come out on the other side of this. We added a developmental therapist to the mix around December of last year and she has been wonderful too. She reinforces everything and helps all of us sort out sensory issues and helps with speech too. A true angel!

Our latest tool is our Ipad. Michael has started saying so many words since we started using it. His speech therapist uses one and she saw great progress and suggested we try to get one when we could. We quickly learned it had to be an Ipad because most of the apps are designed for the Ipad, not the other tablet varieties. Some of our favorite apps are My Play Home, Fun with verbs and sentences, Peek-a-boo barn and the NAED apps. We have the full version of these, and some trial versions of other apps. Michael has also started looking at books and letting us read to him. Family and friends have bought him several recently as well. There are some great books that use a lot of repetition. Some of our favorites are Goodnight Moon, Brown Bear Brown Bear, The Foot Book, Five Little Monkeys and The Little Engine that Could.

I am happy to share with you that Michael is constantly babbling now, which is music to our ears! He has more than tripled his vocabulary in the last two months. He still has Apraxia, but it doesn't have him! He chooses every day to overcome Apraxia. He is trying harder than ever to communicate. He is desperate to communicate his wants and needs. He wants to have a conversation with you, but he isn't there yet. He wants to sing every word to songs he loves, but for now we settle for a few words per song. He knows every word to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Road Rally, but he can only say about 10 of them. He hums and inflects his voice as the characters do for the words he can't say. We have to have hope, patience and faith, but so does our little man. He has hope because of the wealth of people around him cheering him on, telling him he can do it, giving him every opportunity to succeed, a speech therapist instilling a love of communicating in him, teachers who love him and provide a safe environment for him to attempt speech in, parents and family who try with every ounce of their being to encourage him and celebrate every milestone big or small. He has patience because those people around him aren't rushing him to speak. They are effectively using wait time to give him the opportunity to get his brain to send the right messages to the muscle so he can speak. He doesn't feel the pressure of speaking, he only feels the JOY when it happens. He has faith because our God is an awesome God. I have no doubt that the faith we have in our God as the ultimate physician carries over to our little man. We are faithful in prayer along with our family, friends and church family. This little man is covered in prayer daily by our prayer warriors. If we have the fruits of the spirit on this journey of Apraxia we will make it.

If you are on this journey of apraxia, take heart in the fact that the future will be what it will be. All you can do is give your child every opportunity you can to overcome the fears and anxiety associated with speaking. Have hope that the words will come, patience to wait for them, and be faithful to withstand the trials and tribulations along the way. Everyone's journey is different, but never forget that every child deserves a voice.

It Takes A Village...

...and I don't just mean to raise a child. It takes a village to make it through this earthly journey. When you look around can you identify the people in your village? Are you in the village waiting to serve others as well? It takes a village...

After almost 13 years of marriage you would think we would have nourishing our marriage down to a science. The truth is it is never down to a science. It is just like the ocean. It ebbs and flows and has to adapt just as the shoreline adapts to the waves of the ocean. There was a time in our life as a married couple that I was the spiritual leader of our house and we didn't grow together in Christ as husband and wife. Today I praise God that isn't the case. I am proud for my husband to be the spiritual leader of our house. I am thankful that on Sunday we go together as a family to worship God. I am thankful that we are all active in the life of our church. Did I say our marriage is perfect? Nope! Did I say we can't do more for our church? Nope!

Most days, like today, our lives revolve around church and our children.  Today we have to divide and conquer. My parents are picking up our daughter and getting her ready for her ball game so my husband can pick her up and rush her to her game. In the mean time I am picking up the little man and headed to occupational therapy. I have to miss her game because it starts an hour away as we finish therapy. We have to divide and conquer. If it weren't for my parents on days like today we couldn't divide and conquer. One child would have to miss their activity. It takes a village...

Yesterday I was reminded of the importance of time to connect with my husband without the distractions of our house and our children. We dropped the kids off at Tia and Uncle Billy's (Mike's brother and his wife) and rushed to the neighboring town to pick up a rug for our living room and have a quick dinner. As we rode there in the truck with the windows down (a rare treat for me since I usually have one or both kids and never get to ride the truck) my husband reached over and rested his hand on the back of my neck. I looked over and smiled. We weren't distracted by children calling our names. There was no nag to get up and wash dishes, wash clothes, lay out clothes. We were just riding up the road enjoying each other's company. We went to a pizzeria we used to go to all the time when we were dating, married and even after Mary Emma was born. We haven't been much since Michael was born for some reason. We talked about our days at work, the state of the world, and of course the children. We had a civilized conversation. As we stood up to leave my husband leaned over to give me a kiss. A small gesture, but it meant so much. We never have time for that when we are corralling children or checking the table for items left behind. We walked next door to get the rug and headed home. I felt a sense of peace and calm and I looked over at the man I married with renewed commitment and thankfulness for him in my life.  We returned home to pick up the kids and Tia and Uncle Billy were still in one piece, although ready for bed I'm sure. We couldn't have had our impromptu date without them being willing to love on the kiddos, which they were more than obliged to do. It takes a village...

This isn't a thought provoking post except to say that whatever it is you need in life at this point sometimes you have to accept help from the village. It might be help with your kids, it might be help with a parent, or it might just be time with friends. Whatever it is that your soul needs in order to connect with yourself MAKE time to do it. Take time for what you need. I realized that I need time with my husband by myself. You can think it is selfish or irresponsible, but the opinions of others is not what is important here. I need to feel connected to my husband. He is my partner on this earthly journey and feeling connected to him outside of being a mother and father is important to me. You know why? It frees me for joyful obedience. It nourishes my soul and the peace I feel is just what my wings need to fly. It sounds corny and even a bit silly, but the 80 minutes I spent with my husband last night gave me an indescribable peace that I still hold on to this morning.

Since I was a child I haven't been much into asking for presents. My mom and dad taught me the joy of giving as a young child and it is still something that gives me great joy today. I wasn't the kid who made a list for Santa in July of every year and mailed it off close to Christmas. I usually didn't ask for specific birthday presents. I'm not the wife who demands a 10 year anniversary diamond ring. In fact, we don't generally do gifts for Valentine's day or our anniversary. So, Mike was a little caught off guard when a couple of months ago I asked him if I could request a special birthday present this year. My birthday isn't until July! He looked at me quizzically and asked what it might be. I said, "I want to go camping. Just me and you." He looked at me and said he'd see what he could do. Mary Emma will be 6 in September and we have never been on a vacation without the children. I think it's time. One day we will be waving to Michael as we pull away from his college dorm and Mary Emma will be finishing her senior of college year hopefully and we will go home to an empty house. When that day comes I don't want to look at my husband and wonder who he is, what he enjoys, what he likes. I certainly don't want him looking at me like that either. So, the lesson I take from yesterday is that accepting help from that village that is so willing is an important step toward our future as a family. We are blessed because our village is full of people from our family, our church family and a few friends.

Hebrews 10:24 says “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.” May you find what frees you for joyful obedience and MAKE time to nourish it. I pray that Mike and I will bring Him glory through our commitment first to Him and then each other. On our wedding day our first dance was to You Say It Best When You Say Nothing At All by Allison Krauss. It's still true. Thank you God for my partner on this earth. Thank you for the father of my children. Thank you for the quiet time when he says nothing at all and yet it says everything I need to hear.

In the quiet of night...

Hebrews 4:12 says that the word of God is living and active. If you know me well you know that sleep is something that I've never had much of a problem with. Well, the last couple of months have been full of sleepless nights and many have been spent in the recliner. Last night as I reclined and looked up at the windows and out to the night sky there was an eerie quiet in the house. The TV wasn't on, my husband wasn't snoring, the air conditioning wasn't running, the ice maker wasn't pulling in water, the dishwasher wasn't finishing, the washing machine and dryer were quiet as mice, no toddler was crying, no 5 year old was standing at the top of the steps asking to sleep on the couch, no kitty was rustling around in the litter box and the two hound dog fur babies weren't barking. It was honestly creepy. During the day I crave silence, quiet and solitude and then when it happens I feel trapped and the quiet begins to suffocate me.

The days are filled with so many activities and requirements that there is little time to stop and let my mind get the best of me. You've probably heard the saying that an idle mind is the devil's playground and for me that is certainly true. Have you ever been so wrapped up in day to day life that you finally arrive at that quiet time you've been craving and it scares the crap out of you? Last night I was truly at a loss for words. I didn't know what to say. I felt this urge to just talk to God, but I had no words. There are many days that I'm almost afraid to just lay it all out there because I'm so full of emotions that if I let some of it out it might all break the dam and then we will have a flood. Is my heart prepared. Is my relationship with God and my faith in him strong enough to serve as an ark to carry me through the flood?

As I sat there in the recliner amidst the mind altering quiet I thought about the song that has been my friend for many years. Word of God Speak by MercyMe. I was truly at a loss for words for no particular reason. Then it occurred to me...YOU BIG DUMMY! The last thing I needed was to be heard. I needed to listen. I needed to listen for Him to speak to me and to just be in His presence. That was and is what my soul craves. As my mind, heart and soul turned to commune with Him the Devil lost. I didn't give in to the temptations of worries and fear. I gave in to the One who gave so much to me. As I covered up in the recliner, sniffled another sniffle thanks to my sinuses I resigned to sleeping in the recliner yet again. However, I was in a different place. I felt peaceful and ready for rest. I silently thanked God for His time with me tonight and for the blessings of today and the ones tomorrow would bring. As I ended my prayer I felt four little paws walking up my leg and my sweet little Leo crawled up on my chest and laid down over my heart. It might not seem like much but it was a physical reminder that my heart belongs to God and that in order to keep the Devil out I have to make more time to commune with God daily without the distractions of this world.

If you are like me and you are constantly on the go I dare you to carve out some time and simply exist. It might be watching the sunset, listening to the sounds of night on the porch, walking around the block, or whatever will give you QUIET time. Beyond the music and noise all you need is to be with Him. In the quiet you will hear His voice.

I Can't Believe My...

Amid all the hustle and bustle of doctors appointments, therapy and other things related to Michael there is a precious 5 year old, Mary Emma, who lives in our house. Sometimes children can teach us if we open our eyes, our minds and our hearts. We discovered late last week that Mary Emma had her first loose tooth. As the weekend progressed she was very annoyed by this loose tooth and last night as we put her brother to bed she read him a story. When she finished with the story she told her Daddy that she wanted him to pull her tooth.

We wiggled and jiggled and finally he was able to pull it. Of course she was scared initially but soon that faded into excitement about...the tooth fairy! She was anxious to get to bed to see what the tooth fairy might bring. Her Uncle Keith assured her the going rate was $20, but we let her know that wouldn't be the case at our house. :-) As I walked up the stairs this morning to slip the 5 $1 bills under her pillow I wondered what her reaction would be. I woke her up and she said, "Mommy, my tooth is still there and nothing else." Poor kid probably woke up 20 times last night to check. I urged her to check again. She got up on her knees, lifted the pillow and put her hands up to her face and said, "I can't believe my eyes." She couldn't believe the money was there. She was sure it wouldn't be. She quickly ran downstairs to show her Daddy before he left for work.

If you have children you know that if you don't want to be alone then you go to the bathroom! :-) I went to the bathroom and as usual I heard the pitter patter of feet heading that way. She sat down on the step stool with a pensive look as she held the money tightly in her hands.  I asked her what she was thinking about and this is what she said. "Mommy, I've been thinking about this money the tooth fairy brought me. I want to give it to children who don't have enough money. Can we do that?" I couldn't believe my ears. My sweet girl was taking all the money she had been given, not just some and giving it away. Wow!

What if we all had a servant heart like this. I needed to hear this lesson from my child. I needed the reminder that giving is important. Ephesians 1:18 is part of a prayer of thanksgiving. Open the Eyes of My Heart is a song that asks God to open the eyes of our hearts so we can see Him. Sometimes we see Him through others and through the work of the Holy Spirit. Click the link and be blessed by an autistic child who is also blind sing this song. The eyes of your heart will be open for sure! I would like to share the prayer printed in my NIV Worship Bible by Marantha!.

We praise You, glorious Father, for Your great power and wisdom. We, Your church--this immense collection of frail humanity--we are the body of Christ on earth. The Spirit that raised Jesus Christ from the dead now inhabits each of us with that same resurrection power. I am a part of Your living body, Lord Jesus. Fill me afresh with Your Spirit and open my eyes of faith so that I might understand not just in theory, but in day-to-day living, what it means to be a part of Your body. Teach me to think Your thoughts, to see with Your eyes, to hear with Your ears--to live and move and have my very existence in You )Acts 17:28; Ro 12:5; 1 Co 2:16)

Yesterday we celebrated Palm Sunday. As Jesus entered the city of Jerusalem his entry was triumphant. Today is Holy Monday. Jesus cleanses the temple of all the people treating it as a marketplace. He was unhappy that His Father's house was being treated in this way. The temple (church) is meant to be a place where sinners go to pray, worship and ask for forgiveness. Today let's focus on Him. Let's ask for child like faith and remember that He is who He says He is...our King.
 Let us say "I Can't Believe My Heart!"

The little things...

Last night when I got home from church my husband told me that our male dog, Bear, was tied out and waiting for me to put him up. Reluctantly I went out there to put him up. The moment I approached him he jumped up softly (as softly as a 90+ pound dog can) and looked up at me with his big eyes, droopy ears and slobbery face as if he hadn't seen me in days. My heart melted and I hugged him and held him. That unconditional love from him and the pretty girl inside the fence barking out of jealously can melt away any cares that preceded my visit. What if us humans could be as consistently loving and forgiving as these precious canines? This world would certainly be a better place. My point is to never underestimate the little things...you never know how big a little thing can be to someone else.

As I put our 5 year old to bed last night we worked yet again on tying her shoes. She has been trying for some time now and we haven't been able to master it. I got the book Red Lace, Yellow Lace a couple of weeks ago and we have worked with it some. Last night she was determined and after a while she was able to do it herself with only prompting from me. I didn't have to touch a thing. This was a huge step for her. She reached over and gave me a big hug and said, "Oh mommy...thank you so much for teaching me to do this." It's the little things...

About 2:30 last night I was hit in the face with a fluffy green dinosaur. There was a 2 year old standing there looking at me with sleepy eyes. He felt like he might be a little warm, but not really a fever. I got up and gave him medicine just in case and some tea. It was clear he wasn't going to sleep anytime soon so we retreated to the recliner in the living room. A couple of hours later I could tell he was getting sleepy so I told him several times we were turning off the TV and going night night. The moment I turned off the TV he climbed up on my shoulder and put his head down for a while. It's the little things... After he laid there a while he turned around and picked up my left hand and placed it ever so gently on his tummy and he reached for my right hand so we could hold hands. As I sat there I thought to myself...what a blessing to have this sweet little man to take care of. There were days several years ago when I honestly thought I'd never have a baby to hold. It's the little things...

At school Michael has speech therapy on Mondays and developmental therapy on Thursdays. His developmental therapist is just returning from maternity leave and boy is she hitting the ground running. First of all, teachers aren't always welcoming of having therapists in their room. We are blessed because Michael's teachers love the therapists coming and they use it as an opportunity to learn more about how to help the little man be the best kid he can be. His therapist called me on her way to his school and talked for almost 45 minutes about him. She shared ideas with me, offered suggestions and just listened. She certainly didn't have to spend her drive on the phone with me, but she did. I had a rough morning with the little man. He went to get a doughnut like he does every morning and my 5 year old assistant didn't tell me they ate the last ones yesterday. Well, his world fell apart because not having the doughnut changed our morning routine. After talking with the therapist I felt a sense of calm and felt like I had some ideas for the future. It's the little things...

Sometimes as a society, myself included, we feel like we have to do big things for people or it is insignificant. Today as we go thru the day let's try to do some little things for others. It might be as simple as a text to say 'thinking about you', an email, a hug, a candy bar, or an anonymous good deed. You might plant a seed that you won't know the outcome, but you have planted the seed. Doing things for others isn't about the thank you. It isn't about seeing the outcome. It's about doing it from the goodness of your heart and out of Christian love.  We all get by with a little help from our friends... Will you pray with me?

God we come to you to ask you to help us find the little things in our lives that we often overlook. We ask you to help us offer you praise for these little things. Help us look for opportunities to do little things for others. Thank you for this day and thank you for the little things. Amen.

Freely Forgiven

In Sunday School this past Sunday we read Psalm 51 and it reminded me that we all need a reminder about God's forgiveness. The ground at the foot of the cross is level. One person is not higher than another. If you are kneeling at the foot of the cross wholeheartedly asking God for forgiveness YOU are freely forgiven. Sometimes that is a hard pill for us to swallow. Take a minute and read Psalm 51. So many times in our lives we want to paint the picture prettier than it is. The fact is we are all sinners. One thing about the Bible is that no one is telling the stories through rose colored glasses. David had an affair with Bathsheba and this Psalm expresses true repentance of a sinner.

Our God is a God full of grace and mercy. We are loved by Him and we are His children. We are called to shout his name and sing Hosanna in the highest! Is there something you are ashamed of? We all have things that we'd rather not remember or talk about. Think about this...if your life movie (every second of it) were playing on the big screen at the movies would you want God there to watch it with you? Guess what...he has ALREADY seen it and He LOVES you anyway. There is no coincidence that the words forgive and forgiveness are mentioned so many times in the Bible. It is important to seek forgiveness and to forgive. We can ask for forgiveness all day, but we can't experience the blessings of forgiveness until we forgive ourselves. Take time today to reconcile with yourself for things you have already asked for forgiveness for. He has forgiven you and He is waiting for you to sing Hosanna.

You may be so blessed that you read this and you don't have a thing to fall to your knees for. Then, fall to your knees and praise Him. If you are sitting there reading this and you have something tugging at your heart...I do...fall to your knees and commune with God. Tell him how you feel ask him to help you forgive yourself. You can't do it alone; you can only do it when you seek Him first. If you haven't reconciled with someone and feel like you need to start there you can, but seek Him first so you will be going in the right mindset. I'm writing two letters to two people who I feel like I just need to ask for forgiveness. Every time I hear the word forgiveness these two people come to mind and doing this will give my soul peace.

A wonderful song-- 10,000 Reasons reminds us that the Sun has come up today...it is a new day dawning...let's start on our knees so we can still be singing when the evening comes. Will you pray with me?

Father, we come to you to worship your Holy Name and ask you to bless our soul. We want to sing Hosanna like we have never sang before. Help us to remember that whatever happened in the past is just that..the past. Help us to know that whatever lies ahead we can face when we seek You first. Father, help us to become one with you so that we can still be singing when the evening comes. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. AMEN and AMEN.

The Calm in My Storm

One of my favorite praise songs is Praise You in This Storm. Life is full of both quiet and calm days and it is also full of storms. Yesterday was an overwhelming whirlwind of storms for me as a mommy. As I recover looking back I go to Matthew 8: 23-27 where Jesus calms the storm. I want to share with you about my day yesterday.

 

I am thankful for a job that lets me attend some of Michael’s therapy appointments at school. Yesterday I attended Michael’s speech therapy and it was such a blessing to be in the other room and watch Michael’s excitement as his therapist entered the room. He was so excited and even attempted her name. I also watched through the window as his teachers kept redirecting him to use his right hand to eat. It has only been out of the cast two weeks. Teaching him to use it more is much easier said than done. While it was a blessing to watch it also tugged at my heart that he had so much trouble using that hand and I watched the other kids just eating away. If you are a mom, dad or parent figure in any child’s life you know that feeling of wanting to take away all the adversity in that little person’s life. That was my day all day yesterday.

As Michael entered the room for his therapy session he was surprised to see his mommy, but it was clear that he knew this time was devoted to his beloved therapist. He engaged in many activities with her and it was great to see him attempting so many words. She was very happy with his improvement and said she sees improvement each week.  She then transitioned to a conversation surrounding her thoughts about Michael’s speech issues. She indicated that she didn’t think it was a normal speech delay, rather apraxia of speech. This wasn’t the first time I heard this, as our occupational therapist had mentioned it before he started speech therapy. Our OT also suggested we seek this particular therapist and I am so thankful she did. Whew…another thing on my list of things to learn about. She explained a little bit about it and talked about having to build up to the actual words instead of trying to use the actual word he can’t say. She reiterated that it isn’t baby talk even though sometimes it sounds like it. She even made and laminated some pages to use at home with interactive Velcro pictures to help Michael focus. It will be a long road to speech development. We need to get an iPad, but who can afford one when your paycheck goes to pay for 4 or 5 speech therapies a month, at least 2 OT sessions, and 2 developmental therapy sessions and other appointments with orthopedics. Among the whirling winds in this storm, the calm is that beautiful soul spending 45 minutes with my little boy every week. The calm in my storm is that she is always a phone call, text or email away. The calm in my storm is that she sends us home with things to work on and takes time to move us in the right direction. The calm in Michael’s storm is teachers who are PATIENT and a speech therapist that has instilled a love of learning how to imitate speech sounds. Thank you God for the calm in this very active and sometimes destructive storm.

Note to self…do not attend two therapy sessions in one day!!! J I picked Michael up at 4 and headed to Duke for his occupational therapy. This sweet angel we call his OT has been with us since he was 5 months old and she is a wealth of information. She diagnosed Michael with sensory processing disorder earlier in the month and it has connected a lot of dots for previous behaviors, but it is still such a difficult path we are on. Michael’s sensory processing difficulties aren’t in just one area. They span across several and none of them are textbook cases it seems. This is the age when some of the underlying behaviors really surface because the child is developing their own sense of things and issues seem to manifest easier. What some people refer to as a child having a tantrum for a SPD child is actually a child completely overwhelmed and not able to process the things going on around them. They enter fight or flight stage and sometimes they just can’t do anything but fuss. This is Michael at this time and the episodes are becoming more frequent. He has stopped staying in the nursery at church for some reason. Even if his favorite ‘big sister’ is in there he is still overwhelmed by all the commotion. So, in church we sit each Sunday with puzzles and hope for the best. At this stage it is have him in the service making some noise or stay at home. I choose to take him and offer myself to God and thank him for the blessings and ask him for strength for the week ahead. We have two children to love, one who often times gets the bad end of the deal, and a marriage to nurture. SPD and apraxia don’t go well together. Often times the fact that Michael can’t communicate leads to an episode because he gets so upset that we can’t understand him. She helps us know when it is time to start massaging his incisions to help reduce and break up any scar tissue. She tells me how long to wear his brace. She fits and makes splints out of a flat piece of moldable plastic. Sometimes I refer to her as our miracle worker. As we sat at the therapy table and he tried so hard to pick things up with his right index finger and thumb it was so hard to watch him struggle so much. Again, that feeling in the pit of my stomach and the reality that I can’t change it. All I can do is help him the best I can. The storm rages inside me…in my mind, in my heart, in my stomach. That moment that tears are forming and you are fighting them. The calm in this storm is that beautiful soul holding Michael’s left hand so he has to use his right hand. It is that person we call our OT who accepts nothing but the best from Michael. She won’t let him have an inch and God in this storm I praise you for sending her to us. We know she is a gift from you. Without her we wouldn’t have the progress we have and we wouldn’t have ever known about our speech therapist.

After we leave therapy I check in with our state case worker for the infant toddler program. She has been a calm in this storm since Michael was a few months old. She has held our hand, gave hugs, listened to our concerns, helped write goals that will challenge him, helped us get the therapy Michael needs and she even visited the little man at the hospital when he had his last surgery and brought him a book. Currently she is trying to help us get his OT at Lenox Baker into the state program. Each therapy session is almost $600 for 45 minutes and he needs weekly sessions. With a $1200 OT bill each month there is no way we can swing $2400 must less $3000 for months with 5 weeks! She doesn’t have to spend all this time helping us, but she does. She could just do the minimum that she is required to do…but she doesn’t. She is the calm in our storm. Thank you God for this special person who is doing the work she heard you call her to do.

As we ride home and Michael screams the whole way home because he saw the playground at Chick Fil A because I didn’t communicate beforehand that we weren’t going to play…I pick up the phone and call my sister and give her the latest update on speech that I had given my mom earlier in the day. She listens and asks questions. Meanwhile Michael is screaming in the background. She doesn’t say, “do something for him”. She understands that at this point I can’t do anything else. You see, without our family and close friends this storm might just take over us…especially me. I’m weak. I’m weary. Knowing I can call my family and close friends and have support and not judgment is probably one of the things that calms the storm the most. Thank you God for family and friends who know the battles we are up against. Thank you God for the friends and family who try to educate themselves.

So, for the first morning in months Michael didn’t scream when we went to the car instead of the van. For the first morning in a while he didn’t cry when I left him at school. Thanks to our OT I prepped him continuously before we left the house that we were riding the car. The whole way to school I told him he was going to school and that I was picking him up. Is it a coincidence? Maybe. Maybe, just maybe, I did something right this morning…something that works for Michael. We can only hope. Matthew 8: 23-27 reminds us that we should not be afraid. It reminds us that Jesus is the calm in the storm of our life. I write this blog not to tell you that I’m a perfect Christian or I have it all right. I write this to tell you I am an imperfect Christian who often times doesn’t get it right. I write this to tell you that I live in fear and I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. I write this blog to tell you that with all of this there is one thing I know. Jesus is my Savior and he is the answer. I want to share the prayer written in my NIV Worship Bible by Marantha for this passage.

Lord, if You are able to calm the storm at sea, surely You can calm the storms in my life. I find myself day by day in the middle of the swirling, raging storms of this world—the snarled traffic, the incessant noise, the political unrest, the wars, the fear and the violence. But Lord, I confess that there are other storms—storms inside of me, storms of my own making. I worry and allow myself to succumb to stress instead of trusting You. I get caught up in little spats and feuds with loved ones when You’ve called me to be a peacemaker. I now see so clearly what little faith I really have. Forgive me, Lord. Come and speak to the storms within and without. Come and be my peace (Isaiah 26: 3, 12)

Lord I lift my hands to praise you…through my tears that you hold in your hand…through the fear…you hear my cry…thank you for the reminder that my help comes from You. You might not calm the storm, but through the rain you are there...My strength is almost gone but I can carry on because you carry me...As we face this day let us seek you as the calm in our storm...Thank you God for your mercy...Blessed be the name of the Lord...and ALL God’s people said AMEN!

Here I am...Lord!

Matthew 13 is the parable of the sower. This can be a metaphor for our spiritual walk. This scripture is a favorite, but not because it gives me the warm and fuzzies. Instead it serves as a reality check. You see when it comes to being patient and waiting for things to grow "roots" (including myself" I fall short. I want things to happen and happen now. Then I wonder why things aren't long-lasting. This passage reminds me that having a good root system is important and that I consistently fall short. My appreciation for this passage was a result of my Emmaus Walk several years ago. At that time most people would have thought all was good, but it was "all good" on the surface. My roots were not growing in fertile soil. I was the soil on top of the rocks. I would sit in church and hear the message, but not "feel" it. It had nothing to do with the pastor and everything to do with my heart and my spiritual root system. As a result of my time away from the real world during my Emmaus weekend I learned many things (mostly about myself). As this scripture was read during a talk I literally felt a knot in my stomach. I was convicted there in my chair. My roots were trying to grow in soil that was shallow. My spiritual plants were being scorched by the son and withering. The thorns of life were choking me.

That weekend I re-dedicated my life to Christ and vowed to make Him number 1 in my life. My friends, this changed my life. I have a long way to go still. This walk with Christ is never finished while we are here on earth. From this scripture I know my life must be rooted in Him. My roots cannot exist and be fruitful without healthy does of prayer (LOTS of prayer), Bible study, participating in the life of the church, witnessing to others and giving of myself. These things make up my root system--years later my soil still has some rocks, but they are much smaller and not as prevalent. I am human and so are you. Join me today to recommit your life to Christ. Is your soil full of rocks? Start small (like a seed) and grown it (like a nicely rooted flower) and flourish. If you know me very well you know that my two grandmothers were very dear to me. Both had a strong faith. My MaMa Long had Bibles everywhere in her house, but there was one in particular that I asked for when she died. It is not pretty. In fact, it wasn't in a pretty location either. She kept it in her bathroom. It is well worn. In fact the cover is falling off. A well worn Bible is a well used Bible. Take a look at your Bible. Is it worn or does it need some pages turned? One way to remove rocks from our soil is studying the Bible. I can only hope that when I die one of my grandchildren will want my Bible and that they will be able to look at it and see that it was used often. I hope they have to tape it together because it is falling apart. I hope pages are worn and it is full of underlines, prayers and notes.

I've said it before, but I'm saying it again. You (I) have to make sure that we don't make this journey with Christ a solitary journey. On my Emmaus weekend I realized up until that point my walk was a solitary one---reach out to others, pray for yourself, ask people to pray for you, pray for others and most of all love not only others but yourself. A friend of mine that has laughed with me, cried with me and prayed over me gave me a Bible several years ago that isn't in print anymore. It has great quotes, notes and prayers in the margins. It also has letters along the way. It also had space for your to write notes and prayers. I want to share with you the prayer it has for Matthew 13-1:23.

"Lord Jesus, I praise and thank You for choosing to plant Your Word in my life. I yearn to be fertile ground for Your truth. I long to bear good fruit for You. Remove the rocks, chase away the birds and rebuke the evil One who would hinder my growth. Lord, in Your mercy hear my prayer. May I listen and understand and live according to Your Word today, and in so doing bring a bountiful harvest to You, the Wise and Eternal Gardener."

Lord, let this be our prayer. Help us to work on our soil. Help us to seek You. Without fertile soil we cannot do the work You have called us to do. Let us free ourselves for joyful obedience.

Now...now is the time to worship. Offer yourself to Him. He hears us cry. If we dwell in dark and sin His hand will save. We just have to ask. He makes the stars of night. Have you heard Him calling in the night? Will you go? Sometimes it is simples as saying Here I am Lord.

Friend of mine, friend of mine, what do you see?

Do you remember the book Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do You See? That is one of the few books that Michael will let us read to him right now. He will actually sit still and let you read it to him multiple times. Yesterday God touched my heart through my son’s preschool class.  I walked into class and was immediately greeted by one of the afternoon teachers. She said with excitement, “Ms. K  made me promise to show you this. Come look.” Well, I was sure I was going to find a toy that was broken to pieces or a child with a mark from Michael hitting him. Instead what I found was a lesson in perception.

As she pointed at the wall, she told me that they used the handprints to make elephants. The thumb was the trunk and the other fingers were the legs. She smiled and said, “Look, Michael’s elephant is stampeding!” I looked up at the wall and there it was…a beautiful grey elephant running. It was beautiful. Michael’s teachers could choose to shy away from handprint activities or to try to make Michael’s look ‘better’, but they don’t. They love this little man and all his uniqueness. Instead of looking at the handprint and seeing something that needed touching up, they saw a beautiful elephant in motion. Folks, this is what life is all about. We choose to see things the way we want to see them. I am the world's worst about expecting the worst. Through Bible study, prayer and Christian fellowship I continue to work on that. We can let things get the best of us. We can be consumed with fear, guilt, anger, hostility and many other emotions. We can also choose to take lemons and make lemonade. Just as we can choose our reaction we can choose to look at things from a different perspective.

Ephesians 6 talks about putting on the armor of God. He does not leave us defenseless. Through prayer and allowing the Holy Spirit to equip us we can help ourselves look for the opportunity in situations…for the unexpected. I praise God each morning as I pull out of the parking lot to go to work and each evening as I pull out to go home that Michael is surrounded each day by such loving teachers. These teachers choose to look for opportunity. These teachers choose to look for the unexpected. These same teachers helped build the foundation that Mary Emma stands on today. They instilled a love of learning in her and a curiosity that will carry her far in life.  Ephesians 6:4 tells us to bring our children up in the training and instruction of the Lord. It is no coincidence that when our children are baptized that the church vows to help raise the child. In addition to this wonderful preschool we are blessed to have a church in which our children can grow with God. Both our children attend Sunday school and church, and Mary Emma does children's choir on Wednesdays. If you aren't in church or aren't taking your kids to church I invite you to start looking for a church that you can call home. Our walk with Christ is not meant to be a solitary journey, but one in community.

These same teachers who showed me the stampeding elephant inspire me to look at situations differently. Life isn’t easy and life can be hard. Life can throw curve balls at you that you never saw coming. Do you duck and let it pass you by or do you throw your hand up, catch the ball and do something with it? Michael’s challenges were certainly a curve ball for our family, but we have received abundant blessings and the elephants are one of them. So, as we go thru today let’s ask ourselves if there is more to see.

Friend of mine, friend of mine, what do you see?

We see stampeding elephants! That’s what we see!

Joy Comes in the Morning

Joy comes in the morning...a lot of times we refer to bad times as dark days. If we think of night as those times we feel disconnected from the world or from God we can think of those times that we are on the mountaintop as the morning. I have never been a huge fan of the King James Version because I find it hard to understand, but this is one scripture that the King James Version is my favorite translation.

Psalm 30:5 For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Sometimes we don't even realize we are in the night until the morning comes. God is the morning to our night. He is the joy in our sorrow. Seek him in times of darkness and he will bring you light. One of my favorite songs is As the Deer. You may have realized that many songs are my favorite. :-) Here are the lyrics if you don't have time to listen to the video. The song itself is sure to calm you and redirect your thoughts to Him. It is beautiful.

As the deer panteth for the water. So my soul longeth after Thee. You alone are my heart's desire. And I long to worship Thee. You alone are my strength, my shield. To You alone may my spirit yield. You alone are my heart's desire. And I long to worship Thee. You're my friend and You are my brother. Even though You are a king. I love You more than any other. So much more than anything. I want You more than gold or silver. Only You can satisfy. You alone are the real joy giver. And the apple of my eye.

If you feel a longing in your heart and it cannot be satisfied that longing may be a relationship with God. I remember several years ago, before we were blessed with our miracle babies, I was in a terrible place emotionally and spiritually. We were trying to hard to get pregnant. We had tried several low dose medications and nothing had helped. I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks and had to have a D & C.  All my thoughts were "why" this "why" that. My husband was constantly asking about what day of my cycle it was and trying to figure out when I might be ovulating. We both wanted to desperately to be parents. I decided to throw myself into children at our church. I was already active with the children's ministry, but if I couldn't have my own I would serve those in our church. I helped with VBS, taught on Wednesday nights, helped in the nursery and with other special activities. I focused on serving my church in other areas as well. This redirected my focus. Instead of being as focused on myself and my pity I was focused on serving others.

During this time my pastor at the time, the same one that threw me under the bus in another post (love you Stuey), and his wife sponsored me to go on a weekend short-course in Christianity called Walk to Emmaus.  The walk was through the Heart of Carolina Emmaus Community.  I was scared and excited at the same time. I wanted to reconnect with God and myself. I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore and I was hopeful this would help me be a better servant for my Lord, a better wife, and a better Christian above all. That weekend changed me forever. This was the joy in the morning I had been waiting for. I didn't have a cell phone or watch and I didn't have to think about when I was going to get up or eat. It was all taken care of. All I had to do was open my ears, my heart and let the Holy Spirit come in. That weekend included a very spiritual time in which you die to something that is holding you back from serving Him and loving Him with all your heart. My friends...that day I died to resentment for not being able to bear a child. I meant it and it was if I had been freed. I still wanted a child and wanted to pursue alternative methods of getting pregnant, but it didn't consume me as it had before.

After that weekend I could find the joy in the morning much easier and every minute of every day didn't seem like the night. I wasn't sad inside all the time. I wasn't mad inside all the time. I was freed for joyful obedience. My friends...your soul longs for an intimate relationship with our God. He is our heart's desire. We should love him more than any other. All glory and honor is His. As we face the day today let us remember that He comes first. So many times (like the other day with the therapy stuff) I put things before God. Join me today in seeking Him first. When you find yourself overwhelmed seek Him in prayer. Come...now is the time to worship!

Calm in the Storm

Have you ever been in situations that you didn't even know you were in? Have you had things going on around you and you feel like the center of a tornado? My whole day yesterday was like this. Balancing the many demands of life can sometimes overwhelm us. That's how I felt yesterday. The work day hadn't been the greatest. I had reasoned to myself that other people choose how to react to situations and you can't control how others feel or think about a situation. I had also realized how gossip is the Devil's playground and some people apparently live on the playground. I'm not on the playground and I don't even want to be on the sidewalk headed to it. As I headed to my car to go home I admit my feelings had been hurt and I was having a small pity party. Stupid me. This stuff that was apparently so important to other people was incredibly INSIGNIFICANT to me and if I didn't really believe it I would soon know for sure.

My husband had picked up Mary Emma so I was headed to pick up Michael. I was a few minutes away from his daycare and his OT called. She had completed several diagnostic evaluations at our last appointment and she wanted to share the results. Michael's sensory issues are continually increasing (we had to do brushing and other interventions to get him to eat textured foods and touch odd fabrics and textures when he was a baby). She also talked about the fact that he doesn't always connect with what he sees with regard to learning shapes, colors and other things appropriate for his age. He memorizes things, but relating if you give him a square that isn't the one you showed him the first time he doesn't connect it. She suggested doing OT twice a month and moving to weekly therapy in a few months. It's one thing to know there are some issues, but then to think of balancing everything...and the money...whew...the money. It is worth every penny, but it can still be overwhelming when you put the numbers to paper and realize that my paycheck will basically be going to therapy. Michael has weekly speech therapy and developmental therapy in his daycare already. You see my husband and I both work and we don't qualify for any of the sliding scale discounts.  We are part of the state's infant toddler program and our caseworker is AWESOME! She does everything she can to help us. It would all be so much better if we could get the state to approve his OT at it's current location. I understand it is hard to do this, but it is best for him.

My immediate thoughts were whether or not I have the courage and energy for yet another uphill struggle. I kept telling myself...ABSOLUTELY! I was telling myself that, but I certainly wasn't feeling it in my heart. I talked to our daycare owner, who is also WONDERFUL. We talked about how important it is for him to not miss anymore time in the classroom than he already does. Those skills, words, and actions he is learning and developing are so important. I was so emotional, crying of course, and she reached out and hugged me and told me I scared her because she thought I was telling her I was pulling him out. She reassured me that they would do anything they could to help him. She talked about her daughter's own sensory issues. As I left her office I felt a little weight lift off my chest. I had a little bit more energy for the task ahead.

As we headed home I kept looking at my little man in the rearview mirror. He is worth every trial and tribulation. I prayed to God to give me the courage and endurance for the race before me. I might not feel qualified. However, I know He will equip me. If there is one thing in this journey with Christ that I have learned it is that you have to reach out and not be afraid to ask for help and prayers. My husband watched the kids when I got home and I spent some time outside by myself and 'got myself together.' After getting the kids ready for bed I texted my mom and sister. These two ladies are incredibly supportive and are my rock. They help with Mary Emma and Michael any way they can. I also know they are prayer warriors. It's one thing to ask someone to pray; it's another thing to know they will do it. My help comes from the Lord, but I know they will go to Him on my behalf seeking that help. I also texted my friend who came to stay with me in the hospital. When I'm upset I can tell her and she doesn't try to fix it or say something to make me feel better she just reminds me she loves me, will pray for me and is there to listen. Sometimes just sharing your fears releases them. I felt so much better having shared my fears and knowing prayers were going up on my behalf. I logged on to facebook and the first thing I saw was a post by Mandisa quoting a lyric from her song Shackles (Praise You). "Been through the fire and the rain bound in every kind of way but God has broken every chain." I know he will break the chains and set me free for this race. It doesn't mean I will win, but he will equip me.

When the storm is swirling around you there is a calm waiting for you in the storm. Reach out to your prayer warrior friends, fall to your knees in prayer. If you are like me you don't always know what to say. It's okay, God knows what is on your heart. He knows your every need. You only need to seek Him. When I don't know what words to pray I listen to the song Word of God Speak by Mercy Me.  It's okay to be at a loss for words. You don't need to be heard. You need to hear what He has to say. He will wash your eyes so you can see his Majesty. He is in this place...stay and rest in His holiness. When the storm rages find a quiet place and be in the midst of Him. All you need is to be with Him. In the quiet you will hear His voice. The word of God will speak to your heart and the storm will calm. Be still. Find your calm in the storm. May the Peace of Christ be yours today! God bless you!

He Will Make You Worthy

If you are anything like me there are many times in life when you don't feel worthy. Several years ago I wasn't feeling particularly worthy and it was certainly a stressful time. My father-in-law had just passed away. My mother-in-law, husband and brother-in-law had to make the difficult decision to remove him from life support. I had just started a new job a few months earlier and I was understandably nervous about asking off, especially since I was a teacher. My mom had talked to my husband earlier in the day and she called to tell me that it was important to go there right after school that things didn't sound good.

As soon as I got off work I headed to the hospital and met our family in the waiting room. It was a crowded area and there was only one seat left. Wouldn't you know it...it was beside the preacher that I hadn't met yet. I'm not a very social person when it comes to new people so with much anxiety I sat beside him. We talked for a moment and then it was time to go back to the ICU room. I was so scared. I had never been around someone as they took their last breath. As we walked back, my knees feeling like jello I silently prayed and asked God to give me the courage and strength to be there for my husband and his family. It wasn't about me and my fear it was about being there for them.

I remember walking into that room and seeing my father-in-law's chest move up and down as if a robot had entered his body. It was time to say our final goodbyes. I walked up to him and said, "Gepetto...we love you. " His name was Geter but when my husband and I started dating he couldn't remember my name. Instead of calling me Kara he called me Karen, Carol, Carrie, etc. So in order to get him back I tried to come up with a name similar to his. Geter isn't exactly a name that has lots of choices and all I could come up with was Gepetto. From that moment forward he was Gepetto, and he still is. They turned off all the assistive devices and in less than one minute he faded into eternity.

Gepetto was a HUGE fan of bluegrass, gospel, anything that reminded him of his Appalachian roots. We looked at many songs and when I heard Fishers of Men by Rhonda Vincent I knew it was the one. It knocked me off my feet and when I feel unworthy this is the song I always listen to. It reenergizes my soul to do the work God has called me here to do. So many times we miss the call from God. It might be that still voice of the Holy Spirit or it might come through others. Lives can be changed and blessings flow when we hear that call and act on it.

18 As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. 19 “Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.” 20 At once they left their nets and followed him.  21 Going on from there, he saw two other brothers, James son of Zebedee and his brother John. They were in a boat with their father Zebedee, preparing their nets. Jesus called them, 22 and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him. (Matthew 4:18-22)

Sometimes the call comes through another person. God uses all of us to do his work. The scripture from Matthew doesn't say "You will fish for people". It says I will send you out to fish for people. Jesus doesn't tell them to go their own way he says "follow me." Fishing was something these men knew how to do and Jesus was calling them to do something they didn't necessarily have skills for. In a similar scripture from Mark it says that they left their father in the boat with the hired men.

You know that preacher I told you about that I had to sit beside? He is now one of my dearest friends. He has moved on to other churches, but the lessons he taught me remain etched in my heart. I got to know him pretty well, he baptized my daughter and my husband. He accepted my transfer of membership into our church and helped me blossom as a servant in this world. The one that has touched me the most is one of those moments that I decided not to listen to the Holy Spirit. There was a new couple in church who had a daughter who appeared to be close in age to our daughter. I saw them from afar but I'm just not one to go up to random people so I was making my escape and Stuart caught me. I usually skip the 'shake the pastor's hand' line because it has always seemed a little odd to me. That day he caught my eye so I went up and gave him a hug and he took my hand to shake it and said, "Did you see that couple over there?" I responded that I had. He asked me if I had spoken to them. You know my answer. Then he told me that it looked like their daughter was Mary Emma's age. I told him I saw that. He gave me the evil eye so to speak and told me he thought it would be a good idea for me to go over to them and introduce myself. I gave him the "you must be kidding" look and as if I were a child asked him if I had to. He smiled and said "YES!"

My friends...if I had not introduced myself I cant' imagine the blessings I would have missed out on. You see this couple has become some of our closest friends. Our first children were born one month to the day apart. Our second children were born less than 24 hours apart. God prepares you for things before you even realize it. Michael's diagnosis, the unknown variables about his health, and dealing with a child that has special needs would help me be a more empathetic friend. I was being prepared for that day when my friend told me she was pregnant again. I quickly told her that I was sitting this one out! :-) It wasn't long after this that she also told me they were going thru extensive testing, but they were pretty sure this child had an extra chromosome resulting in Down's Syndrome. I will never know exactly how she and her husband felt, but I did understand the shock and fear. There were many decisions to be made. The point here isn't the Down's Syndrome, but that beautiful baby girl that was born months later. I have been in love with her since the moment I layed eyes on her. She stares at me like I'm the most interesting person on earth. Her smile is infectious and watching her triumph over obstacles in her path has been a blessing that I cannot put into words. You see...if not for the preacher making me go over and introduce myself we might not have became close friends with these people. My daughter wouldn't have a best friend in their daughter, we wouldn't have shared the joys and horrors of being pregnant together, and I wouldn't have this sweet angel to love on. I ignored the Holy Spirit's voice that day. Thank God for a friend who saw the opportunity and pushed me...I usually referred to these moments as 'throwing me under the bus.' He was pretty good at that!

Since this experience I have tried to listen more carefully and look around more to be a fisher of men. I am not worthy for this task alone and neither are you. He will make you worthy. He will make you a fisher of men. You will never be the same. Will you join me? Cast your nets aside. He will be our guide.

Jesus, Friend of Sinners...

Each day we have endless opportunities to show His grace. You never know where someone is in their faith walk. Remember, just because you don’t see the flower bloom…that doesn’t mean you didn’t plant the seed. My hope is that this post will help all of us make more careful choices and be more cognizant of the fact that how we treat others can change their future and ours. One of my favorite quotes is…don’t look down on anyone unless you are bending over to help them up. 

I want to start by sharing a story with you about a girl I knew almost 16 years ago. She had been raised in the church and had many fond memories of church—including vacation bible school, homecoming and a church that truly felt like home because of the loving people there. She graduated high school in the top 5% of her class and went off to start her bright future as a special education major in college. As a young girl she asked God if he saw fit to give her a special child, and she had always had compassion for everyone…but especially people with emotional and physical challenges. She wasn’t quite sure what she wanted to do, but she thought she wanted to teach so this seemed like a good fit. 

Only a few weeks after being at college in a dorm with no one to wake her up or tell her to go to class things started going downhill. Her mom had always told her that old annoying yet true cliché---you know the one…you are who you hang around. Well, it was indeed true. The people she hung around didn’t make the best choices and soon their normal became her normal. All the time she knew this wasn’t the right path and she tried to turn things around and she did to a certain extent. For the next two semesters she pulled her grades up. By the spring semester of the second year things had once again made a downhill sprint.

 One thing you must understand is that this girl’s grandmothers were everything to her. She loved her parents and family, but those grandmothers were on pedestals in her eyes. Well, one night she was off campus at a friends house and her mother was trying to call her. Her roommate didn’t know where she was and didn’t know how to get in touch with her. Some of you may not remember that cell phones weren’t all the rage yet. Her mom had called to tell her that one of her grandmothers had passed away. Her grandmother had passed away hours earlier and here she was having a good time while her family was grieving and worried trying to find her. Her heart was broken that she had lost her grandmother and it had finally hit her…she couldn’t’ do this anymore. This very night she decided she was not in the right place, not doing the right things and when she returned home that semester she returned home for good. For so many this was seen as a failure and at the time it was for her. Open mouth and gasp…yes she dropped out of school. She was at the bottom of the barrel. She had hit rock bottom…some might say the only way was up. Her parents were very disappointed, but they told her if she was going to stay in their house she was going to go to school and make something of herself.

I haven’t ever shared my story publicly, but I guess I have now…this girl was me…I dropped out of school. You see… For my parents this was understandably an extremely disappointing event , and if that wasn’t bad enough they had sunk a great deal of money into this “two year vacation”. My parents definitely didn’t let me forget what a failure this was, but they said that if I was going to live in their house that I was going to be in school. They still had faith in me. They still supported me and loved me anyway.

 Within a couple of months of being home I was totally distraught and I thought how can I make this right? My grandmothers were both pillars of their church and great Christian role models, as were my parents. My surviving grandmother surely didn’t let me down during this time. She never once mentioned why I was home. She took the “grandma high road” as I call it…for which I will be eternally grateful. I was still someone she could be proud of. It was as if there was an unspoken “I love you anyway”. This is mercy and grace my friends…

I was raised in church and if there is one thing that stuck…it is that the church is for sinners. For me, for you, for all humankind. So one Sunday, with a lump in my throat and some fear I returned to the church I grew up in. In a small community news travels fast so I knew people know I was “home.” Even after several people said…how can you go there after what you’ve done? I knew that in order to turn my life around I couldn’t do it alone. I needed Him and I needed the community of faith that had loved me since I was born. To my surprise--I walked thru the door, I was met with open arms. People hugged me and told me how good it was to see me. No one said…why are you home? They just told me how good it was to have me home. This gave me the courage to come back the next week and it soon became a habit…a pretty good one I think. This is grace and mercy my friends.

I started attending church regularly, helped with Vacation Bible School, and signed up for a class to join the church. That summer I met with our pastor and two older ladies who were sisters to learn about Methodism and what it means to be baptized and how that changes what death means to us. These sweet ladies were also joining the church. I had never been baptized and looking back I’m so thankful because I remember my baptism. We had many frank discussions during these meetings in the parsonage living room, but never once did my situation come up. Instead we were reminded that we have all strayed in some way. At the end of that summer I was baptized. My family came to support me and I saw God that day when I sat down beside my MaMa and she patted my leg and said, “I’m so proud of you.” If you think back to when I told you I WAS that girl…I used the past tense because thanks to God’s grace I am born anew through my baptism and I now live each day knowing that death isn’t the end of things, but the beginning of an eternal life. That day I was baptized I died to that person. 

Folks, I experienced grace and mercy at its best during one of the most difficult times of my life. I had strayed and had been cut down. The sword had been swung at me and I had tripped over some people but I was on my way to Him. Without this grace and mercy being shown to me I may have never returned to the church. I certainly wouldn’t be here today to share my story with you. I also wouldn’t have gone on to complete my Associate’s, bachelor’s and master’s degrees.

As a result of these experiences I made a promise to myself to look up and not around. I promised God I would not point fingers and I begged him to lead my heart with mercy. I wanted him to break my heart for what breaks His. Little did I know…several years later I would feel that broken heart. Our second child was born with a syndrome we knew nothing about. At first my heart was broken for him and his future, but as quick as my heart broke it was healed. For, that day I prayed for a special child when I was young had come to fruition. God had found me worthy to do this job and he had given me the best husband, family and friends to do it with. He trusted me…wow! He had also given this little man a big sister who would immediately take care of him and love him unconditionally. We are all his children…uniquely and wonderfully made and for the rest of my life I will proclaim this. There is a lesson in every blessing. I now have a new perspective on grace and mercy, and especially on all of us being uniquely and wonderfully made.

As we go on with our day…let’s ask ourselves—the world is on their way to Him…will they trip over us…are we looking around instead of up…is our heart divided. I challenge each of us to let our hearts be led by mercy so that we can show His grace to all we meet. So, will you join me…put your pointing finger and sword down and take up the cross of Jesus Christ. Jesus…please help us to be a friend of sinners. Help us to love each person and to be a model of your love to everyone we meet. Help us make our life movie one that we would be proud to sit down beside you and watch. Take a moment and look up the song “Jesus Friend of Sinners” by Casting Crowns. You will be glad you did! Peace and blessings to you!

Michael's Surgeries

I missed yesterday because Michael's daycare called and he had a fever. With children who don't have issues with their body regulating its temperature it's no big deal. When Michael gets a fever we have to act fast to keep it from spiking too quickly. IHe has had one febrile seizure and we don't want that to happen again. We are blessed to have wonderful daycare providers. By the time I got there they had already stripped his shirt, put cool towels on him and sprayed him down. His fever had gone down some and I immediately gave him ibuprofen and acetaminophen. My husband took him to the doctor and he doesn't have an ear infection or the flu so we were happy to hear that. He is a happy boy because he is at Camp Grammie and PaPa today :-) That means I will pick up a spoiled little man. I wouldn't have it any other way. We are so blessed to have them to help us! With that said today's post is about Michael's surgeries. First I want to tell you more about his particular syndrome. If you are interested you can click on the link for a video of Michael's surgeries. If you ever have questions please ask!
 
EEC Syndrome (Ectrodactyly-Ectodermal Dysplasia-Clefting) is a rare form of ectodermal dysplasia. It is a mutation in the TP63 gene and can be inherited or a spontaneous mutation. A spontaneous mutation means that the change started in the affected individual and wasn't inherited from a parent.  Michael's case is a spontaneous mutation. My husband, our daughter and I have been tested and do not carry this mutation. Each case is different and can vary from mild to severe. Children affected can have missing or atypical fingers and or toes, abnormalities of the hair and glands (particularly sweat glands), a cleft lip or palate, problems with the eyes, tears and tear ducts, and issues with the flow of urine in the urinary tract. Treatment can involve a team of professionals from many different disciplines depending on the severity of the case. You will see the following again when I share the article I wrote for the NFED. I am not a doctor and I might misspell something or use incorrect grammar or punctuation, but my goal is to educate people and share our story.

Michael will be three in July and has undergone six surgical procedures. On December 26^th of 2012, one day shy of five months old, he had his first two procedures. He had syndactyly release of his right thumb and index finger, as well as the metatarsal leading to his missing toe removed and the cleft pulled in. He was in a mitten cast up to his arm pit and an open toe cast up to his groin for four weeks. The following March, he had the same procedures on his left hand and foot. In late December of 2013, he had surgery on his right index finger again to release scar contracture. In late December of 2014, he had reconstruction of the ligament on the metacarpophalangeal joint of his index finger on his right hand to keep it from lying sideways. There are at least three more surgeries in the near future to separate married tendons leading to the proximal (PIP) and distal interphalangeal joints in both index fingers, as well as either joint repair of the PIP joint or joint stabilization for better pinching capability. Both index fingers sit at approximately a 90 degree angle with very little mobility. His last procedure will be syndactyly release of his super digit on his left hand. The bones share one skin and one fingernail, but are separate until they tether together at the end. Our goal in all of his surgeries has nothing to do with cosmetics, rather with use and mobility. We want to give him as much use of his hands as possible. We are thankful to have Duke University so close to our home. Our occupational therapist has been with us since his first surgery. Without our pediatrician’s support and guidance, we would have had no idea where to even start. 

Worry is like a rocking chair...

...it passes the time, but doesn't get you anywhere!
Michael will be three in July, but the second day of his life and the message I received from above that day is still fresh on my mind. Particularly after today...

July 28, 2012 was the day after Michael was born. One of my dearest friends had driven from Charlotte to stay with me at night at the hospital so I wouldn't kill my husband. (last time I contemplated how to do it quietly while he was covered up, curled up and snoring while I was lying in the bed, couldn't get up because I had just had a c-section and still had my cath and the baby was screaming and not latching). Jennifer and my sister had agreed to take turns so Mike could be at home and Mary Emma could spend the night at home. We figured it would be safer for him that way. Without our family and friends we would not be where we are.

Now...back to the original story! I woke up that morning with a bit of sadness because it was my grandmother's birthday, but she had spent the last few of her birthdays in heaven. I was also worried. As I looked over at Jennifer snuggling with Michael in the recliner (which she did most of the night both nights she was there) I thought to myself, what are we going to do, how will we tell people, what will people say, is it my fault, will he be able to have children, what about Mary Emma, what about my nieces and nephews, is something else going on besides what we can see right now, is there surgery for his hands and feet, oh no...my baby is going to have surgery, will i have to stop working/teaching, can he go to daycare, will he be able to learn. That sounds like a lot but it seemed as if it all flashed through my head in a matter of seconds. I was fine in the moment. I loved this little boy beyond anything, but fear and worry of what lied ahead was what scared me the most. I had no thoughts about why me, why my child, both Mike and I were at peace with whatever this was from the first moment we saw him. Jennifer knew me well enough to know I was worried, but she also knew if I wanted to talk about it I would. She didn't try to make me feel better, she didn't try to say the 'right' thing she was just there. I could see the look of fear in everyone's eyes when they came to see us at the hospital. Fear for what was ahead and fear for how to take care of Mike and I and especially Mary Emma. It hadn't been long that I had told Jennifer about the daily devotion from the Upper Room from the previous day and then it happened...I opened the one for July 28, 2012. Here is the scripture for that day. God was at work in my life again. 

Matthew 6:25-34
6:26 Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?
6:27 And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life?
6:28 And why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin,
6:29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these.
6:30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you--you of little faith?
6:31 Therefore do not worry, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear?'
6:32 For it is the Gentiles who strive for all these things; and indeed your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.
6:33 But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
6:34 "So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today's trouble is enough for today.

6:25 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 

God had a plan for our family and I had to simply trust Him and trust that he would guide us in the coming days, weeks, months and years. I cannot add a single hour of my life by worrying and neither can you. Do I worry? ABSOLUTELY!!! But, when I do I immediately remind myself of this scripture. I even turn to it in the Bible when i'm really worried and read the scripture around it. I was reminded not to worry about tomorrow again today.

Today we had a follow-up appointment with the surgeon. Michael had another procedure (more info in tomorrow's post about his surgeries).  I spent the last several days filled with anxiety because Michael was getting his second mitten cast removed and probably a splint. The surgeon was also going to let us know what the current treatment plan was. Michael has also been having some 'meltdowns' (I hate that word but it is the best description), particularly in public settings. I was anxious about getting the cast off...what if he were to injure the ligament reconstruction, what if the surgery wasn't successful, what if he gets sand in it at daycare, are we going to have another surgery soon, what about work...and on and on and on. I read this scripture over and over, but the worry kept creeping in. Well, shame on me for not trusting God's plan.

We walked into the doctor's office and Michael worked his puzzle like a big boy. We went back to get his cast off and I asked for a private room since the cast room reminds him of pre-op. We sat and waited and watched Veggie Tales--his favorite. The guy came in to remove the cast. Michael has never fussed when they were removing any of his casts so I didn't expect that to go poorly, but I was so scared of what was under that cast. Then he unwrapped it. I took a deep breath and looked over. Was I really seeing what I thought I was seeing? Michael's index finger on his right hand had been lying toward the thumb since they were released at 5 months old. This surgeon reconstructed the ligament hoping it would 'pull' the finger back in the right direction. His adorable little finger was, of course, still bent at a 90 degree angle (hopefully addressing this in a future surgery), but it was pointing in the right direction. It wasn't lying to the side. His index, ring and pinky fingers were all parallel to each other. I was moved to tears. I was speechless. I never thought I would see this. The fellow came in and I was still in tears and he hugged me and he was thrilled with how the everything looked. A good bit later the surgeon walked in and he was also very happy with how everything looked. He talked again about how the ligament has to remarry the bone and the joint should remain stable for this. He said that since Michael was so young and active (aka Evil Knievel) that he wanted to recast him for three weeks. I almost jumped out of the chair. I worried for nothing. All my fears were addressed and it was a wonderful day. Not to mention that when the surgeon came in Michael said 'Hey" and patted the stool and told him to sit down. Michael is understandably fearful of anyone in a white coat but he and both his surgeons have had a connection since they met. He offered him a scooby snack and hugged him bye. Then I go to the cast shop and he sits there like a champ. He is finally at the age that he knows he might as well just sit there. We picked a purple cast because that's was a special request from Memma (Mary Emma). Then we go out and I go to check out. First the guy tells me that there are no appointments for when we are supposed to return and he also doesn't think we can see the person for the brace that day. He could have left it at that but instead he gets up and goes to talk specifically to the therapist we need to see, then he makes a couple of phone calls and less that 10 minutes later we have a 1 and 2pm appointment for our return visit in a few weeks. I know he thought I was crazy thanking him approximately 90 times but he made my day so much brighter being able to leaving knowing that return appointments were taken care of. 

We can spend so much time worrying that we miss what is around us. I am so guilty of that. I think it might be genetic; my mom and sister do an awful lot of worrying too! What do you worry about?  Let's all say this verse as a prayer in the morning. "So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today's trouble is enough for today." When you read this take a moment and spend a quiet moment with God. You don't have to speak for he already knows what is weighing on your heart. Our God is a big God and nothing is too big for Him. Telling him what is weighing on you can sometimes be enough to remind you that you are not alone. Next time you are faced with the need to 'say the right thing' to someone who is going through something instead just 'be there'. If you feel the need to say something ask them if you can pray for and with them. Don't worry about what you will say as you pray...God will give you the words. If you are a music person, which I am, look up the song Blessings by Laura Story (I think that's right). A dear friend of mine, Lisa, introduced me to this song and it has gotten me through many a tough night or day. It's on my emergency cd. That's a story for another day. Tomorrow I will explain Michael's condition and tell you about his surgeries.